We were a few years into our marriage and I really wanted to move to a new city. I felt this was a God-inspired idea. I had caught “the vision” and I was going to make it happen. The only problem was that my husband was not on the same page. As far as he was concerned, we were right where we were supposed to be. I kept suggesting we move but his resolve not to move only seemed to grow stronger. I remember feeling super frustrated, but thankfully, miraculously, I was let in on a little secret – men do not want to marry nagging women.

Proverbs 19:13 (The Passion Translation) says … “a nagging wife can drive you crazy!”

I was literally driving my husband crazy with my nagging. Although I felt I had God’s vision for our lives, I needed to let my husband lead. Thankfully, by God’s grace, I stopped nagging and started to pray instead. The more I prayed, the more peace I felt. One day, a few months later, my husband let me know he had been praying and felt we were supposed to move to the very city I had my heart set on! My husband needed me to stop nagging and pray.

Around the same season, I received a bad diagnosis from the doctor and awful thoughts crowded my mind. I remember relaying the doctor’s diagnosis to my husband. I wanted him to hug me and cry with me. I wanted him to feel sorry for me, and perhaps even help me write my last will and testament. Instead, he looked me sternly in the eye and informed me that we would fight in faith. At that moment, I remember feeling shocked at his lack of empathy and I let him know in many unkind words exactly how I felt. Men do not want to marry negative women. 

Proverbs 4:23 (New Living Translation) says “guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.”

I believe my husband saved my life in that season by teaching me how to guard my heart. That day, after my tirade, he printed out pages and pages of bible verses. Then he made me read all the bible verses aloud, over and over again. I didn’t realize it at the time, but he was helping me reprogram my negative heart with the word of God. I didn’t realize how powerful God’s word IS, until that season. My husband drove me to work every day and made me recite verse after verse after verse. Slowly but surely, my mind was renewed, my heart was renewed, and my body was renewed. Praise Jesus all traces of the diagnoses left my body for good! l learned my lesson well. My husband needed me to be a faith-filled woman who only spoke God’s word.

I’ll admit, our early years of marriage were some crazy times for me. I regret to say that in this same season, I asked my husband to “break up” with his computer. In retrospect, I realize I had come into our marriage with a tad bit of baggage and I expected my husband to fix me. Men do not want to marry needy women. I wanted my husband to meet my EVERY need. I was jealous he wouldn’t give me his constant undivided attention. I may have gone overboard with my demand for “quality time” (my love language). I may have even tried to control his time on the computer with a temper tantrum or two. For crying out loud, the man needed his computer for work. Like I said, baggage.

Controlling people have only their own interests in mind. Queen Jezebel got what she wanted by controlling others (1 Kings 21:1-4). In those early days, all I could seem to focus on was what I wanted from my husband.

Philippians 2:3-4 (New International Version) says “do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

I’m so thankful I’m planted in a great church under great pastors who have taught me to generously give of myself and to work on my healing through proper channels (counseling, prayer, accountability). My husband is thankful he’s not obligated to fix me. My healing, confidence, and security come from God and God alone.  My husband needed me to be a confident, secure woman whose confidence comes from God.

For the sake of full disclosure, I was also self-centered in those early years. Since I thought our marriage was supposed to revolve around me, I may have neglected a few of my husband’s needs. Men do not want to marry neglectful women. When we neglect someone, we essentially disregard, disrespect, forget, ignore, or overlook the person. These seem like harsh words, but how many times did I feel too tired to rub his back, feign ignorance of a need he may have expressed, or zone out on something he was sharing with me. Too many times, probably. We live in a fast-paced world and decisions made in some of those moments, seemingly fleeting, are the difference between an evening full of bliss or an evening full of agitation. 

Ephesians 5:33 (Amplified Bible, Classic Edition)  “However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly].”

My husband needs those evenings of bliss! 

I’m so grateful I’ve grown A LOT since those early years. I’m grateful for Pastor Tami’s mentorship. I’m grateful for the blog. I’m grateful to realize I can be the version of me my husband needs the most- the praying, faith-filled, confident, attentive-back-rubbing one. 

I encourage you to take one of these verses and pray it over your life every day for the next week. Which one will you be holding on to?

Kris